Grief Doesn’t Pause for the Holidays

The holiday season, with its persistent demand for cheer and celebration, is often one of the hardest times for those carrying the weight of a loved one’s absence. Whether it has been a few months or several years, navigating grief during the holidays can intensify stress and discomfort. These heightened feelings are a natural part of your healing journey.

Below, you’ll find essential strategies and insights to help you manage this time with greater peace. As an end-of-life doula with a passion for holistic grief support, I offer these tried-and-true tips, which I also use myself.

You Don’t Have to Be Jolly: Validating Your Feelings

The holidays are often packed with invitations, expectations to host, the burden of gift-buying, and the pressure of creating elaborate menus—all while you still juggle your routine year-round tasks. It’s exhausting even in the best of times.

Layered over all this, the expectation of mandated joy can lead to feelings of sadness, isolation, or disconnection for those who are grieving. You may feel an internal need to acknowledge your grief but an external pressure to hide it. If this resonates with you, please take a breath and recognize that these feelings of grief and sadness during the holidays are valid. They deserve recognition, not suppression.

Give Yourself Permission to Feel

Grief does not follow a strict timeline—there are no neat “stages” you complete until it’s finally over. Instead, think of grief as a ball that constantly moves inside a box. When that ball hits the edges, the grief can become consuming, whether your loss occurred recently or long ago. For many, that box seems to shrink during the holidays, causing the ball to hit the edges more often.

And that’s okay. It is absolutely okay to feel intense grief during the holidays. It’s okay to feel sadness, anger, and loneliness. Just as importantly, it’s also okay to feel moments of joy during the holidays. Allow yourself the grace to feel the full spectrum of emotions as they arrive.

The Power of No: Setting Gentle Boundaries While Grieving

Especially during the first or second holiday season after a loved one’s death, letting go of rigid expectations for how the holidays should look is essential. The truth is, holidays will never be what they were before your loss. For the first couple of years, you may not feel like celebrating at all. That’s okay.

Here is how you can set gentle boundaries and take the necessary space for yourself and your grief.

• Say No to Invitations: It is okay to decline a gathering if you feel it would hinder your grief journey. You are not obligated to give a reason, but if you choose to, a simple, gracious response is best: “Thank you, that sounds like a lovely gathering, and I appreciate you including me. I am going to say no, thank you, however, so that I can make space for my own needs right now.”
• Plan Your Early Exit: If an event is something you genuinely don’t want to miss—perhaps a favorite tradition or a chance to see family you haven’t seen in ages—give yourself an escape plan. Tell yourself, “I will go, and after 30 minutes, I will check in with myself and decide if I want to stay.” Repeat this check-in process as needed. If you feel overwhelmed at any point, leave early. Quietly tell the host that you are not feeling well (which is the truth) and are going home to rest.
• Do Not Offer to Host: If you typically host the family dinner or an annual social event, take a step back this year. Hosting makes it much harder to escape or rest when your energy is drained. If asked, you can offer: “This is a favorite event of mine, and I hope you’ll understand that I am unable to host this year. I am prioritizing space for myself as I cope with the loss of [loved one], and hosting feels too heavy right now.”

It can feel tough to set boundaries, especially when you fear disappointing others. Remember, setting boundaries while grieving is a crucial act of self-care. It communicates your capacity to friends and family, preventing stress from turning into resentment. If your boundaries anger or disappoint someone, that is their reaction to manage, not your duty to fix. You are at the center of your care right now.

Practical Strategies for Coping with Grief

Navigating grief during the holidays requires a special focus on self-care. True self-care is not always about a candle-lit bath; sometimes, it’s simply meeting your most basic needs.

Basic-Care as Self-Care

• Drink Water: If you only have the energy for one self-care act on a particular day, make it drinking water. Hydration supports both physical and mental well-being.
• Nourish Yourself: Focus on gentle movement (like an easy walk or yoga), eating nourishing food, and prioritizing rest and sleep.
• Mindful Moments: When families ask how they will get through the early minutes of grief, I always respond, “one breath at a time.” Taking time to focus on your breathing helps to ground you. Try box breathing (in for 4, hold for 4, exhale for 4, hold for 4) to center yourself. Alternatively, if your emotions feel overwhelming, use the 5-4-3-2-1 grounding exercise:
  • 5 things you can see
  • 4 things you can touch
  • 3 things you can hear
  • 2 things you can smell
  • 1 thing you can taste

Leaning on Your Support System

The biggest lie grief tells us is that we are alone. Society’s discomfort with death has often led us to believe we must suffer in silence, but a sense of community and connection is needed now more than ever.

It can be difficult to ask for help, so start by reaching out to your closest and most trusted friends. Be specific about what you need: a shoulder to cry on, someone who will listen without trying to fix anything, or just love and presence.

Consider joining support groups. Many are available virtually and in-person—some are general, and others are specific (e.g., for daughters who lost their mothers).

As an end-of-life doula and a grief educator, I am also here as a source of support. My approach is to never judge or shame you. I will listen quietly, ask gentle questions when appropriate, and above all, validate your grief and your experience.

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Your Compassionate Next Step

I would be deeply honored to journey alongside you as you walk the path of grief, especially through the complex holiday season.

If you or a loved one are facing a life-limiting illness, or if you simply need someone to talk to about your grief, please reach out to me through my website. Together, we can explore ways to create space for your grief and navigate these transitions with compassion.