Smile though your heart is aching

Smile even though it’s breaking

-Nat King Cole, Smile

When asked what the opposite of grief is, I think most people would respond “joy.” I know I would have prior to my mom’s death. It makes sense – you’ve just experienced this tremendous loss that, at the time, feels as if it will never get easier – what could there possibly be to smile about?

      When asked what the opposite of joy is, I think a lot of people would respond “grief.” I did. It makes sense – you’ve just experienced something so magical that, at the time, feels as if nothing bad could ever happen again. What could there possibly be to cry about?

      When asked if one could experience both at the same time… what would you respond? If two things are opposite, then they cannot both be true at the same time, right? This is the crossroads I found myself at as I stood at the place where the end of my mom’s life intersected with the beginning of my daughter’s life. Feeling grief at the loss of my mom felt as if I was robbing joy from the beginning of my daughter’s life, and vice versa.

 And yet, as it turns out, grief and joy are not mutually exclusive.

 It admittedly was hard to truly enjoy my daughter’s early newborn days with the effort it took to help my mom get to chemo treatments and other various appointments, coordinating in home therapy and nurse visits, and spending as much time as I could with my mom (let alone trying to get naps in here and there!). I do, however, have a very distinct memory of feeling joy amid the grief – when my daughter smiled for the first time.

It was a bittersweet reminder that just because my world had been thrown into an ocean of sadness, not everyone’s world was – my daughter’s world consisted of feeling joy simply by seeing me, or hearing my voice, or pooping her pants. When she smiled at me, our worlds collided, and some of her world’s joy leaked into mine and got soaked right up not only by me, but by my mom as well.

 If you’re wondering if it’s ok to smile during times of loss, to enjoy something – anything – knowing that you or someone you love is nearing the end of their life, I’m here to tell you that yes, it’s ok to smile. It’s normal to laugh if you feel like laughing. In fact, I would argue that it is during times of impending loss that it is most important to allow yourself to find the joy, to feel the joy, and to soak in it as long as you can.

 Now, I’m not saying “go look at the bright side…” or “look for the silver lining…” not one bit. There is no bright side to losing a loved one, no silver lining in knowing that you will never hear your person’s voice again. No, what I’m saying is there may be bright moments that just happen to find you, and that it’s okay for you to be open to that, to acknowledge the joy that is there, however brief it may be.

 If this suggestion feels good to you, I want to invite you to take a moment to journal about a time when you found unexpected joy during a time of challenge. It can be big or small, recent or not. Even if it doesn’t seem profound, write about it. I’d love to hear about your experience in the comments below.